Day by Day

Before I get too far into my thoughts regarding Mom, long-term care, and her current status, I want to thank the wonderful deacons at University Community Presbyterian Church for the great meals they put together for us.  We have many, many days of meals which we heat up really quickly for Mom.  They are nutritious and tasty and it has made one aspect of our life so much easier.  I am very grateful for their service.

So, yesterday, I had to lift Mom out of bed.  She got up at my request, went to the bathroom and then went right back to bed.  I told her she needed to get up and she said, "No!" and started to cover herself up.  I needed to forcibly pull her out of bed and move her into the bathroom for cleaning - with her resisting every step of the way.  The emotional toll of this activity is high.  I am forcing my mother to do something she is resisting.  I am rough with her because I have to physically move her and it is not easy.  Her resistance angers me, and oddly, when I finally voice my anger at her, she begins to comply.  I wondered if this induces her sudden cooperation because she was raised in the era of corporal punishment and her reaction, from her youth, is to behave in the face of anger.

Or it might be that "resistance is futile".

I am as stubborn as she and ultimately stronger.  She had not bathed or had sitz baths for over a day.  I felt, considering how ill she became from her UTI, that I had no choice but to make her get up and get dressed in clean sweats.  Oddly, once up and fed, she stayed up all day.  No joke!  She watched TV, ate regular meals, used the toilet, drank whatever we gave her and was a model patient.  Perhaps the fact I was around a lot, as was Gary, helped, but honestly, I am not sure what caused the shift.

When I was telling my dad about my experience with her and commented on how I was surprised she stayed up, he said, "It's because you made her get up."  I think this is what triggered my thoughts on what invokes obedience from her.  Since I made her get up, she translated that into she had to be up all day.  Well, it was better for her - she was able to stay up, but at one point, she told me she was so tired.  I  assumed that meant she was physically tired and would go to bed, but maybe it was tired in spirit, or maybe it was tired of how hard everything was.  She did not go to bed after that statement, but stayed up and watched the Bronco/San Diego Football game, ate more meals, and drank more decaf coffee.

At some point, I went down after 7 pm and she was asleep.

This morning Gary went with me to get her up.  Since Pam had so much trouble last week, I'd told her to not come this morning.  My intention was if Mom needed to be hauled of bed, we would do it.  I need her to be at FRA (Fairbanks Resource Agency) Adult Day Care and could not risk another call from Pam saying she could not get Mom up and she was hitting and kicking her.  Gary got her up and once she was in the bathroom, he left to get dressed for work and I cleaned her and dressed her.  I gave her some tea, but had not yet made her breakfast when, to my surprise, Pam arrived.  Although I'd asked her to come, I am glad we got our wires crossed because since I had her up and dressed, I could leave Pam to vacuum, make the bed (I'd removed the linen), feed Mom, and take her to FRA.  Gary and I were ready to go and wonders of wonders, I made it to work on time.

Dad asked me what would happen when she went to an Assisted Living Home.  Would they make her get up like I do?  I said they would, but I am not 100% sure of that.  But what I have been told by those whose profession and experience is to care for elders at this stage in their lives, is that once in a social environment, the attitudes of the elder change.  Where they had no reason to get up, now the social interaction motivates them to re-engage in living.

In any case, we have managed one more day.  Taking it a day at a time is what is happening now.